I'm starting to think maybe the real problem and the real reason I can't get by Death, is because I refuse to see it as a reason to examine life. I know I should, but that's too damn difficult. If I examine my life, I'll have to face the spin. I'll have to look into the tornado and try to see out of it. I am in the eye of the storm, nothing is getting out but nothing is getting in. And it really is so calm in the eye. A false kind of calm, that you know isn't right. A calm you know can't last, but a calm that is surrounded by so much chaos you are afraid to leave.
I went to yet another funeral on Saturday. This was for a lady I worked with. She was in her mid 40s and died of cancer. Cancer, cancer, FUCKING CANCER.
I sat in the church dressed in an all too familiar black and watched her 4 kids walk down the aisle towards their mothers casket. I believe the youngest was 5, his brother 7, the second oldest was about 13 and I think the oldest was 15 or 16. I could barely watch. Every person in that church thought of their mother at that moment and what they would do if that was them. You could feel people thinking it, you could hear it in their crying. These boys will grow up the rest of their lives without their mother. The youngest not even understanding that day, but having the nightmare of coming to understand ahead of them.
All this death around me in the last 18 months. Six funerals. Losing grandma. I haven't changed a bit. I take that back. I have changed a lot mentally but I have not reflected any of it in my day to day life. I'm in the eye of the storm and I'm still too scared. I don't want to wait till life is over to realize I should've enjoyed it, but I'm also afraid to do something just for the sake of not regretting it. I don't want to make life decisions because it is the age to do that and not because it is what I feel.
I want to actually feel that passionate about something again. The way you felt about everything when you were 13. The way you loved before you knew what love was. Does that ever come back? Is it when you meet that "special someone" or is that "special someone" something that good ole Walt Disney made up to make money. I mean everyone likes the idea of it. Some like it enough to pretend its how they feel. I think some even fool themselves.
Maybe, just maybe some actually live it. At this point I think I need to get out of the eye by myself. Get on the right path for me and be open to conversation if I run into someone on that same path.
